More thoughts on early emotional abandonment and coronary artery disease

 Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards. 

Soren Kierkegaard

My recent discovery that my life time relationship pattern is a classic trauma response to early emotional neglect led me to an AI driven of the research into the health impacts of early emotional trauma. I had always believed that my heart attack at 63 was the nearly inevitable result of a family history (Grandpa Karlson died at 68 from an MI; my dad had his first MI at age 65 just 6 weeks after retirement from a job he had. held for 35 years.) The review of the research literature turned up a longitudinal study of a large sample (over 30000 people) that tied coronary artery disease (CAD), my diagnosis, to early emotional trauma by creating a chronic pattern of stress-triggered high cortisol that led to arterial stiffening and cholesterol accumulation. 

My MI at age 63 two weeks after finalizing my third divorce after an extremely stressful 15 year marriage was almost inevitable it seems. My childhood and adolescent sports training and low BMI undoubtedly contributed to my MI being a mild one despite 3 of my coronoary arteries being 90% occluded according to the preop angiogram. My successful post-op recovery and 10 years of symptom free functioning have been a blessing and a tribute to my cardiac surgeon, Todd Dewey, and my cardiologist Sam Woolbert. My latest EKG revealed trigeminal PVCs, the first post-op exam that has revealed any symptoms.

My research into the long term effects of a open heart CABG procedure found that 10 years is the limit of the viability of veinous grafts (I have 2 and one arterial graft). So the advent of my trigeminal PVCs is not particularly unusual. Treatment is usually begun with beta or calcium blockers before proceeding to surgical ablation of clots and/or stents to open up the arteries. 

Given my current situation, homeless, unemployed, uncertain cashflow from my consulting business, my recent decision to resume a dating life is now under reconsideration. Even assuming that some woman would take a chance on a man living on Social Security with my health history, adding the upcoming medical adventures to the mix seems like a burden no one should have to bear. So I deleted the two dating apps that were recommended to me and will have the conversation with my recent connection to "open the kimono" completely so she can make an informed decision about whether to continue getting acquainted. 

The other long term effect of early trauma (and ongoing emotional neglect) is a failure of self care. Apart from the pattern of being irresistibly drawn to women who were depressed and needy and unable to love me back (with the exception of Marilyn, my first wife, who loved me, supported me, and wanted to start a family which I knew I was emotionally equipped to do),  I did not learn to take care of my body either--neglecting regular physicals, dental exams and cleanings (especially after the toxic exposure that caused my crowns to fall out) for more than 40 years leading to tooth failures and the need for extenstive and expensive dental implants and repairs. 

The extreme empathy with no boundaries (another self care failure) led me to be vulnerable to being victimized by romance scams costing me to give away money I could not afford to "women" in online only relationships who told me things I needed to hear to keep the scam going. Some of the scams I recognized before I sent money; my pride and loneliness and need to be seen and understood kept me in one for 9 months and thousands of dollars "invested" before the plan to meet in person revealed the truth of the scam. 

The boundary failure preventing me from protecting myself in financial relationships with deceptive partners, both romantic and business. I viewed the failed relationships as being primarily my responsibility so did not stand up for my own financial interests with the rationalized "they need the money more than I do" excuse for being exploited. 

My current challenge is not just to change the self defeating behavior and protect my boundaries and take care of myself, but to change my identity to one allows me to be compensated for my unusual polymath talents and to build financial security and eventually wealth. 

I am worthy of being loved and appreciated. I deserve to be compensated for the value of my expertise, not just the number of hours I work. I deserve to be recognized for my professional accomplishments. I deserve to be recognized for my persistence and tenacity, brilliance, and creativity. I deserve to have a future that's happy, fulfilling, affluent, environmentally beautiful, helpful, with a "one to many" mission.